Every night for a few hours now, I do it.

Some of these girls are looking for hard fucking. They don't care who they get it from. "VERY ORAL DEEPTHROATER AND LOVE GETTING POUNDED...EITHER END.. " says one.

Sometimes they just want to service a guy. Looking to meet in the public library and blow me in the bathroom. Want me to cum on their tits.

And some of them want me to be bad to them. Want me to slap them around. Want me to bring four of my friends and fill up every hole in their body. Want me to deface and degrade them. And it gets them off.

Some nights, I go looking for something specific. Some girl who fits the perfect description... 18-22 years old, good looking, bored/single wanting someone they can have fun with. I never know what I'm looking for until I find it... Some nights I'm looking for a 30-year-old woman to invite me to her beautiful apartment and have her way with me. Ride me with her business attire on. Ride me with nothing on. Throw me in her gorgeous bathroom and let me have her in the bath, in the shower, on the floor.

Some nights, I just read every single one.

Girls who want to suck me off. Girls who want me to have rape-sex with them.

One girl tells everyone in the world that when she was 18, she went to a frat party and passed out. When she woke up, her vagina hurt and her mouth was sore. When she saw the video of her getting gang-raped by frat guys... it turned her on.

These are the girls that make me cower, make me sick, make me think what I'm doing is wrong. Reaching out like this is wrong, and disgusting. And these poor girls ask for terrible things that make me want to cut off my penis... kill every man in the world. Some of these girls I don't know why they want what they want, and I worry that they really don't want it, they're just traumatized or confused or the result of abuse.

But they really want it. They really want a young guy to cheat on their husband with. They really want four guys to fill them up. They really want it.

But I don't want to give it to them. I don't want anyone to give it to them. I can't save them. And I can't contact the ones who want what I want to give them.

So every night, for a few hours now, I do it. And when I'm done I feel dirty and ashamed, and I go to sleep alone, with no one to make me feel the safety, comfort, and affection I used to feel.